Dump the Bump: A Short Rant

Can I just say that I really DON'T GIVE A FUCK over who has a bump or not?

I simply cannot comprehend the media's fascination with the rash of pregnant actresses, lately! (And hey, any link between the fact that these preggo thespos are popping up all of the sudden and the possibility that they were the first batch of kids to enjoy Abstinence-only education, roughly twenty years ago? Now THAT is a "baby bump" article that I want to read.)

The thing is, I don't know any actual women who are actually interested in celebrity pregnancies. I see pics of these increasingly obscure actresses ("Guess which background extra on The Hills has got her bump?") plastered across magazines in the grocery store. Tv shows like Entertainment Tonight are screaming themselves shrill about it. And even my boring old AOL newsfeed, which normally documents the endless Democratic Candidate Nomination and updates me on restorative surgery stories for the incredible disfigured people of the world, can't keep it's electronic yap shut about these "bumps".

I REALLY don't give a fuck!

In a world where there is food rationing, astronomical gas prices, an endless war that the president is waiting to pass to the next guy, astronomical food prices, astronomical public transportation prices, astronomical cable & internet prices, astronomical cigarette prices, astronomical unemployment rates, foreclosures and an economy so devastated that we're all getting bribery checks from the government (perhaps to stave off the impending revolution), WHO GIVES A MONKEYS ASSHOLE ABOUT WHAT ACTRESS GOT HERSELF KNOCKED UP?!?

It's not like this is any major accomplishment. To borrow a line from Bill Maher, "Congratulations! You did a thing that a dog can do." As someone who has been artfully dodging any unintentional pregnancies since the summer of 1990, it doesn't take any SKILL to get pregnant. The skill is in NOT getting someone pregnant.

In my family, ever girl cousin I have (except one, God Bless Her Free-Love, Punk Rock Attitude) has gotten pregnant, either in high school or in college. I'm not passing judgement on them. After the initial panic died down, the family has totally accepted these new babies and they're adorable little midgets that totter around the Christmas tree during the holidays, spilling things on themselves and knocking shit over. Even in those cases, where it was a family member that was all "bumped up", I still didn't necessesarily care all that much. At least not with the breathless astonishment that the media gives these celebrity baby bumps.

Can we PUH-LEASE get our priorities straight? I swear it's like 9/11 knocked two-thirds of the country retarded with four separate plane crashes. I feel us slipping closer and closer to the "Idiocracy" every year. And this bewilderment at the natural process of birth, ONLY WHEN IT HAPPENS TO FUCKING ACTRESSES, is like a ignoramus staring at shiny objects. There's nothing going on there, kids. And while you're distracted by swollen bellies and designer baby clothes, your food rations are growing smaller and smaller, the cost of EVERYTHING is going higher and higher and the oil barons in charge of the country are shipping your jobs across the border into cheaper, third world countries.

I know it's scary to actually think about the horrible world we've found ourselves in. But burying your head up the already occupied cooter of the recent starlet of "Recycled Shit That The Movie Studios Thought You Would Pay For" isn't going to actually improv things. And if you're not engaged in improving things, then things will stay as shitty as they are now, or likely will backslide further and get worse...

I don't know why I am writing this. Not a single damn person who reads this blog, gives two shits about this horseshit, either. I guess I am preaching to the non-pregnated choir, here.

Fuck it.
Mr.B


"I'm desperately clinging to cultural relevance for two!"